Blind anxiety comes accompanied by inpatient anger.
Anger at myself for being paralysed by my anxiety and rage at my mind for being consumed by the paralysis.
Trying to do the right thing in modern times is disturbingly perilous. We exist in a world of mixed cultural experience. We live in a diverse amalgam of what in the total sum of its parts gives life and society in the 21st Century its vibrancy and relevance.
But intersection of the lived experiences of others can be a pathway littered with fragility. Offence where none is intended in a mine field of cultural appropriation and inappropriate clover fields only cleared by critical thinking and mindful actions.
I stepped on a mine and the injury is to my psyche, my internal dialogue of regret, my reassurance that now I know better in contrast I’m left with the door closed and locked wondering if its just best to throw away the key.
Being at the start of a journey is daunting. Even if you enjoy the travelling the time before the time is inevitable.
There is on top of this the immediacy and confines of the digital experience. Seeing people, and being with people are very different. We are fooled that they are the same.
On our screens they are in our spaces. But they are in windows, glimpses. I do not like Zoom virtual background as I immediately know that the person is hiding their reality from me from the rest of the participants.They are choosing.
Its ok to do that.
The blurring of Skype and Jitsi background can provide focus while still being present in our environments. Whereby is simple presence.
I perhaps need to green screen my interactions as I realise I give too much of myself or my three dimensional reality. I assume everyone gives as I do.
Its a presumption I am to reflect on and dial back during my mindfulness adventure in 2021.